If You've Ever Had Negative Thoughts, You Have to Try This App

Me, probably having fucked up thoughts

I swear this is not sponsored. I just really fucking like this app and I wanted to share it with all who do not yet know about it. If you’ve been reading my work for a little while, you might have heard me talk HERE about an app called CALM. The makers of this rad meditation app (that comes with bedtime stories for adults -which I still can’t get over) created another banger called CALM HARM.

Calm Harm was created to reduce the urge to self-harm. If that is something you are working to overcome, I think it’s worth checking out. However, if you are like me and no longer (or do not) struggle with this this symptom of mental illness, I found many other EPIC uses for it as well. I’ll get into that in a minute.

Using a number of different activities, the app allows you to “ride the wave” of the urge you are experiencing. The goal is to ride it out so that it will pass or lessen. To do so, you can pick from techniques that comfort or distract you, allow you to express yourself, let you release any stress, or help you breathe it out. Each option allows you to perform tasks for either 5 or 15 minutes. I frequently use the ‘distract’ technique, which asks me questions like, “how many singers can you name?” or “count the many things you know that are green.” These tasks aim to take your mind off the urge and in my experience, work like a charm.

Here are some other GREAT uses for the app:

#1 - Use it to drive away persistent negative thoughts. Like at 3:00 am when your brain decides to replay that time you and your friends stood on Josh Hartnett’s lawn in high school and repeatedly screamed his name in hopes he’d come out (and in no way be annoyed with you at all).

#2 - Use it to soothe anxiety or a panic attack. Because workplace culture hasn’t evolved enough to welcome crying at your desk.

#3 - Use it as an anger management tool. This def would have been useful that time I screamed at a meter maid in college for giving me a totally reasonable ticket I definitely deserved.

Those are a few of the ways that I’ve been using it. Let me know if you try it for yourself!

5 More Mental Health Apps to Try This Month

There are so many Goddamn mental health apps out there we might as well make this a monthly segment. If you didn't see my last app roundup, you can do so right HERE. Don't forget to click on the names of the apps to find out more! xo

EWG Healthy Living (aka Skin Deep) - This one goes out to all the habibis living with hypochondria. I've been using this website (which you can find HERE) forever so when they came out w/an app it was like the 2nd coming of Christ. If you're like me and are constantly paranoid about putting things on your body that may secretly be killing you (but still justify eating Lunchables as if they aren't the real problem), this app is a true gift to you. Basically, you can scan products (food and hygiene products) as you shop and see how they stack up in terms of how harmful their ingredients are to your body. Seriously it's amazing, and you'd be disgusted at how much cancer-causing crap is in some of your fave toiletries. I've learned a shit ton about the products I use and have made the switch to using (mostly) all-natural beauty products.

Calm - This is a great one if you want a meditation app with extras like fucking bedtime stories. When was the last time your lonely ass got a bedtime story? It's time to get this app. 

Stop, Breathe & Think - Because meditation apps are so on trend, you might as well get another one. This one is different because it recommends meditations you should do according to how you're feeling in that moment. I was a massively irritable bitch a few hours ago, and it suggested a kindness meditation and a 3-minute breathing exercise. Prepare to feel slightly dragged by its recommendations but know that it's coming from a place/algorithm of love. 

Lake - Adult coloring books are all that and a bottle of Lithium. This is that but in app form which means you can whip this out and not have to worry about fools judging you for self-soothing. Color yourself cured. 

Happy - I mention this app on my resources page HERE. If you need someone to talk to but it's not quite considered crisis-y enough for a suicide hotline, try this app. You do have a to pay for the time you spend on the phone with a trained Happy Giver, but you can stay on for as little or as long as you like. Seriously. Full disclosure: I was hired as a Happy Giver (the person who listens to the caller), so I am biased about this app (although I haven't logged on in a while). BUT I have also called in to chat with a Happy Giver about my own problems and can speak to the fact that it was incredibly helpful. If you feel like you'd be a good listener you can also apply to be a Giver and get paid for it! 

How To Ask Your Work For a Mental Health Day Without Being Fired (Hopefully)

Me ghosting work to handle my mental health

For many employers, calling in sick to take a mental health day conjures images of skipping work to snort avocado toast and get a round of Kybella. While partaking in this kind of Instagrammable wellness is 1000% my brand and a totally valid form self-care, many of us require mental health days for those showerless, stay-in-bed marathons complete with cashmere-coated teeth, and a floor full of Ding Dong wrappers. Sadly, work culture isn’t yet at a place where we can write honest cover letters to our prospective employers (“Skills include: bipolar management! Holding back tears! Showering with Wet Wipes!”) proclaiming our disorders. That said, we can forget fearlessly asking for the accommodations we might need to better manage our moods at work. Until we get to that distant utopia, we need to figure out how to ask for time off to tend to our mental wellness without the risk of job loss or judgment. I went straight to the source and asked business managers, career coaches, HR professionals (and more!) what to do. See what they had to say below.  

"So it's going to depend on your boss and your relationship with them. If you know that your boss is understanding and you have an open relationship with him or her it could potentially really serve you to be honest. Your honesty could potentially open the door for a further conversation if your work environment or workload is contributing to your anxiety or overwhelm. However, if you don't have an open relationship with your boss, you know that he or she won't be understanding, or simply don't want to talk about something that can be very personal --  then you may want to take a different approach. I would just keep things simple and say that "I'm taking a day off for personal reasons." It's honest and doesn't necessarily open the way for further questions, and most bosses will consider that a sufficient reason/explanation. Alternatively, you could just treat it as any other sick day. Your mental health is as important as your physical health, and a request doesn't require a lot of detail or personal information. In many cases simply saying that you're not well and need a day off to recover is sufficient." -Crystal, Career Coach

"As a leader, it is imperative to create an open environment and share your struggles so that your employees feel empowered to do so. There have been several times where I've had to cancel meetings or have voiced that I needed space because I was experiencing heightened anxiety. I find that the more open I am, the more comfortable my team becomes with expressing their needs. With mental health, there isn't much you can say. It's not like the flu or strep throat. Symptoms are sometimes unexplainable. For that reason, all my girls need to say is 'Hey, I'm struggling with my "XYZ"' or 'Larz, I need to sit this meeting out, I need time for myself.'" -Larissa, Founder & Creative Director, Half The Story

"Over the years I've learned to identify what I want and what I don't want. What's truly important to me and what is not. When I interview for a new job, I'm honest with what I want. I want and need a work-life balance. I currently am in both the service industry and the retail industry, so I'm already working nights weekends and holidays. I tell my future potential employers that having a work-life balance is super important to me. I give them the shifts I am willing to work, and what I know I don't want to work so I can maintain a healthy life outside of work. What I need to be a happy, productive employee/human. I think this sets up a healthy expectation. When I get asked to work outside of this, I don't feel bad saying no, and I don't feel bad calling out when I need a personal day. There's nothing worse than feeling bad and dealing with anxiety in general and then feeling bad on top of that. No is a complete sentence. I'm not a manager anymore but I know it's always gonna suck when someone calls off but at the end of the day, everything is going to be okay. Whether they believe me or not, that's on them, and it doesn't change the fact that I can't work today." -Kyndra, Former Manager, American Apparel

“We’re all human beings, and we all have this crazy roller coaster called life that we have to deal with on a daily. As long as you're honest, it’s completely fine! Depression is something serious, and I think if you don’t feel your best you won’t be able to perform at your best. The employee has to feel 110% fine in order for them to do an outstanding performance. And it all starts with taking care of yourself first!” -Marilyn, Former Training Manager

"As a momma of triplets + 1, who works side-by-side daily with my husband at [our] shops, I get the need for zen moments. When a staff member needs a mental health day, absolutely take the day to yourself! Life can be exhausting. Shit can go down and rock your world upside down without warning. Whatever the reason, I find it hard to judge anyone who is dealing with their shit and simply needs a day off. We all have those days. Do you. Recharge. Just don’t take it for granted. If it affects work frequently and you seem to need a mental health day on the daily/weekly, I may lose my shit." -Maggie, Chief Officer, Grethen House

"From an employer's perspective, asking in advance is always helpful. It's great to have some advance notice -- a few days or more -- so that you can plan ahead and make sure that the rest of the team is ready for your day off. However, if you live with a mental illness, it can be impossible to 'plan ahead' for a bad day. In those cases, the best way to ask is... honestly! You're not required to provide your employer with your health information, but explaining that a day off is crucial for your job performance and well-being might be a good way to approach it." -Michael, Human Resources, The Mighty

“I asked my boss for a mental health day once when my dog passed away, and I felt a fear and uneasiness like never before. I broke out in a cold sweat and felt scared and short of breath. It was not just sadness. This was four years ago, and he told me, ‘that’s life, you’re sad and you gotta just deal with it.” He told me to get a doctors note if I was really sick, and reminded me of how busy we were. My doctor took me off work for a week. [My boss] let me take time off only with a doctor visit and a note." - Zildheam, Former Loan Underwriter

“[My boss] was really apprehensive at first. It took some explaining, and I was nervous to have to break it down. But once I did, he understood. Overall I've had positive experiences asking. Since I had the time off, I knew it would be fine if I took a day, but I was asking for it for the following day which is a no-no. But I just sent him an email asking for it, stating it was for my mental health, and that I was burnt out. He asked for more details, and I just told him I had been working a ton, and my brain needed a break. I think when he asked for clarification it was more out of concern looking back on it. I remember when I wanted to ask I thought about doing it in person but I was anxious about that." -Rebecca, Marketing Coordinator

“I usually just say that I can’t come in today, or I say what the actual problem is. [For example], ‘I can’t come in today because my anxiety is at an all-time high.' Unfortunately, I usually lie when its depression. I feel like people understand high anxiety sometimes, but If I'm just like, "'Oh I'm too low energy to get out of bed’ they’re going to be like, ‘What?’” -Cassandra, Tarot Reader

"The best way to go about asking your boss for a mental health day off is to be up front and honest. Don't lie and blame it on a physical illness, because you won't get the time off you need, because you'll be worrying about being caught out or feeling guilty for not telling the truth. Sit your boss down and explain what's going on, how it affects you and why it's important that you take some time for yourself to recuperate. Honesty is key, even though it may seem daunting and you'll worry about the answer. However, most good employers will appreciate your honesty and will hopefully have some form of understanding of mental illness - I mean, with 1 in 4 people suffering, it's likely they have someone close to them going through something themselves. You'll be surprised how understanding employer's can be. Be honest and just ask them outright - and most importantly, don't worry about doing so, because the more you worry, the more stress will be put on your body and your brain, which is something you really don't need if you're struggling." -Hattie, Lifestyle Reporter, Metro UK

There you have it, habibis! Some disclaimer-y things to remember: not every suggestion above may work for you and your employer. The twisted truth is, you probably have a better chance getting the day off to take your puppy to therapy than you do calling in sick to tend to your own mood disorder. If you choose to be upfront about your need for a mental health day or be transparent about your mental illness at work, you may risk job termination (despite this being illegal) and/or various consequences. Please do not attempt to share information about your mental illness at work if you feel that your job security and/or personal safety may be in jeopardy. The above suggestions are simply personal opinions of those quoted and cannot guarantee a positive outcome if used. In addition to promoting honesty in the workplace in the name of ending the stigma, I wanted to be realistic. I made sure to include options for those who can’t be open about their mental illness at work, which you can read in the blurbs from Cassandra and Michael.

If you have a great way to ask for a mental health day, leave your story or suggestion in the comments!

5 Mental Health Apps You Should Try Next Month (That Are Not Fucking Headspace)

10 points if you can spot my special ass learning how to use a real camera in every reflection in this picture. Also - Headspace is awesome; I'm just tired of seeing it on app lists. 

lilspace – I have a phone addiction. That isn’t some tee-hee statement about how much I heart my phone. I literally have mild panic attacks when my phone goes missing, breaks, or is forgotten. Speaking of unhealthy, I depend on my phone to distract myself from feelings I should be letting myself feel, to avoid any emotional discomfort ever. Why pay off 73 unopened Sprint bills when I can just Instagram the anxiety away?! Sound like you? lilspace is your bud. The more time you can spend unplugged, the more rewards you can earn. You can even unplug for charities and events of your choosing. For example, I stayed off my phone for LA Family Housing back in January to fight homelessness. What did you do? JK, I only lasted like 19 minutes but STILL. Try it.

Yoga Wake Up – If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written, there’s probably some cliché mention of my bed. I like anything and anything having to do with beds, staying in bed, bedding in bed, whtvr. Additional fun fact that you could probably deduce: I am not about yoga. Like, I’m about it if YOU want to do it, but I’ll be waiting with a turmeric shot and a chilled towel outside. I’ve done yoga maybe a handful of times, and while it was chill, I couldn’t keep up with all the positions, got too into my head about it, and never went back. MY, HAVE THE TIDES TURNED. Yoga Wake Up has yoga (and meditation!) moves you can try RIGHT IN YOUR GODDAMN BED. If you’re not a bed bitch like me, the app heaps of other easy to follow recordings as well. Full disclosure: I was ~blessed~ with a free trial from the company to test it out. If you’re not into paying for a subscription, you can totally use it without one too.

Fabulous – This habit-tracking app is the gentle, motherly reminder that you can change your life little by little –emphasis on “little.” Dying to incorporate macramé chair weaving into your daily life? Want to work things out with your elliptical? Unsure of the coordinates of your toothbrush? Get this bad boy on your phone and in your life. The app starts by training you to ease into healthy habits like drinking water each morning. You are asked to repeat these motions each day until they become routine. Once they do, you move on to the next habit, which requires just a hint more effort than the last. In addition to pre-loaded healthy behaviors, you can add your own.

DBT Diary Card & Skills Coach – I’ve had this app for years. If I remember correctly, I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy back in college, and my therapist recommended I try this. It’s equipped with a solid price tag, but if you use DBT skills, or enjoy the things I share in Therapy Thursday (which are mostly DBT skills I’ve learned), then this app will serve you better than the soft serve bar at Old Country Buffet. 

Spot On – This is technically a period tracker from Planned Parenthood, but I like to use it as a mood tracker on the days when the juice is not loose. You can also log your bodily happenings, the day's events, and actions. It comes with preloaded moods like ‘Happy,’ ‘Frisky,’ and ‘Blah,’ and actions like ‘Ate Junk,’ ‘Slept Well,’ ‘Had Sex.’ Bodily functions include ‘Fatigue,’ and ‘Acne,’ and, you can record the intensity of your period as well. Customizing descriptors is an option too. I added ‘anxiety’ and ‘yeast infection’ which, coincidently, are the names of my future children.

What to Get Your Favorite Saddie For V-Day

Happy Valentines Day to everyone except my greasy hair and crispy ends

Self-care gift roundups can literally munch my beef sheets. If I had a pill for every list that suggests buying the mentally ill "moisturizing socks!," I'd look like the bottom of my purse. A Coconut-Colada candle isn’t going to drive me to my psychiatrist’s office, wipe my ass, or file my taxes. While objet d'Bed Bath and Beyond do appear in these suggestions, this list strives to move past bath bombs and deeper into unisex portable mobile toilet territory. You can even click on some of them to buy because I am such. A good friend.

+++

Emergency Love Kit - My boyfriend got me this for Xmas and I burst into tears because I was so touched. These are tiny slips of paper enclosed in 'pills' in which you, thoughtful gift giver, can write messages to your loved one. If your beeb is into sentimental choking hazards - this gift takes the cake. Click "Emergency Love Kit" to see how kewt they are. 

Self-Care Apps - In case you're my mom or older, you can give apps as gifts! Send your chicken nugget some games to mellow their anxiety or an ever-trending meditation app. 

Positive Affirmation Cards - I so badly wanted to find an ultra #curated deck to show off here but I came up with nothing. If you can get past the very Chicos-Mom art, Louise Hay (RIP) makes cards with v inspirational messages and mantras. 

Scrapbook or Photo Album - Get one and fill it up with pics and mementos of all the fun shit you two have done together. Something about having a physical book of memories to reach for is très touching and nostalgic. 

Bomb Ass Pillow – None of these suggestions are sponsored, I swear. I just genuinely like or want or have paid for all of them - including my boyfriends Casper pillow. Honestly why freak over Bitcoin when you can invest in your bed?

Pre-Paid Therapy Sessions - Way better than floating a tub of bath bomb glitter that wont wash out of your leg hair. If you know the name of the therapist they see, call or email and ask if (and how) it's possible for you to pre-pay for your loved ones next session(s). If they aren't currently in therapy, you may offer to help them find one and arrange a way to pay for their first session. If you don't know who they see (and you trust that they'll spend the money on therapy but don't mind if they end up buying some Gucci mid-heel pumps instead) a solid Venmo/PayPal/bag of cash will do. 

Massage Gift Card - Alternatively, you can take your other half out for a spa day if they're having difficulty motivating themselves to do things on their own. Even more alternatively, if you live in a city where a masseuse can come to your house, schedule a massage day for the two of you. I treated my post-grad thesis depression with an in-home massage using the Soothe app. And by "in-home" I mean she came to my studio apartment because I'm a shameless princess. 

Self-Help Book - This can be a v touchy move, so I recommend gifting this to someone you KNOW won't receive it as a personal attack. I enjoy reading about my illness, and about how I can treat it. But again, not everyone longs for dark chocolate and Depression For Dummies. 

Gift Basket - Remember that unisex portable toilet I threw at you? Put it in your hand-curated self-care gift basket (only if you're realllllllly, really, butt-sniffingly close with your loved one and know they won't react negatively). Other ideas? Here's where all those neurotypical #wellness gifts come in handy. Essentially you can put anything you think they might like in the basket, but for the sake of self-care, think candles, essential oils, face wipes, masks, even a fidget cube. Adult coloring books, a water bottle, pill cases, journals - all good moves. For more ideas you can check out my emergency self-care kit lists, here, here, and hereeeee. 

Massager - If an actual massage appointment is too pricey,  dollar stores have awesome little massage tools you can gift instead. If you want something grand, Amazon has some serious machinery for your neck, your back, your nanner and your crack -right here. 

Meal Delivery Service - If you live in an area where services like Blue Apron are available, this is a great gift idea for someone who is having trouble getting out of the house to go grocery shopping. If your town hasn't caught up with the delivery dinner in a box thing, offer to do their grocery shopping for them for a day. Another option - meal prep for them so they don't have to worry about cooking for a few days. 

Cleaning Services - Has your darling been neglecting their surroundings? Front the bill for some cleaning help. Handy.com is a lifesaver. They even have people to who can put together your furniture. Don't have the $? Offer to help them clean their space, do their laundry, organize their office, whatever. 

Pop Up Bed Tent - I know this shit looks aggressive, but its a godsend to anyone who wants to be left the fuck alone. Bonus: turn it in a love fort with snacks, pillows, and those tiny ass string lights that are all over Pinterest.

Weighted Blanket - Rumor has it that these work wonders for anxiety and other unpleasantries. I haven't tried these yet, but at some point I'm going to need to evaluate this on Trick or Treatment. 

Heated Blanket - My friend had one of these on her bed growing up which made sleepovers at her house the utmost. Anyway, if you haven't tried it, it's like falling asleep in a float tank of melted Milky Way's and not drowning. 

Good Times Jar - Gird your loins, DIY gifters. This is just for you. Similar to the Emergency Love Kit (but free), get an old jar, some scraps of paper and a pen. Write down all the good memories/qualities/etc. about your person on these papers and put them in said jar. The goal is for them to read the notes when they're having a shit day and be like .00333% less sad afterwards. 

Happy Valentines Day! I know this holiday blows for many people but know that I <3 you and you can CERTAINLY buy any and all of these gifts for your own damn self. 

Self-Help Books to Rescue You From Fuckery

If you struggle with…

• Eating Your Feelings

Read: Eat This Not That (David Zinczenko with Matt Goulding)

Emotional eating is literally my brand. In fact, the other day at work I ate my weight in vending machine snacks, hoping it would suppress the day's anxiety. Surprise! Didn’t work. And all I have is a puffy, sodium-filled under-eye area to show for it. Cue the Eat This Not That series. These little books are filled with healthy swaps you can make at the grocery store and beyond. And I’m not talking about swapping a cheeseburger for a celery stick dipped in miso broth. Although, if you can do that I still love you. I’m taking abt trading a cheeseburger for a better cheeseburger. I know right? Restrictive diets and colossal lifestyle changes can be insanely overwhelming when you have a mental illness. I like this book because it provides the reader with a sense of accomplishment even though you still feel like you’re eating what you want. 

Downside: Some of the “Eat This” foods they suggest aren’t 100% healthy either but they are the best of the worst. 

• Attracting the right partner

Read: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match (Amy Spencer)

I met my current boyfriend shortly after reading this book. This woman who told me about this book met her other half before she even finished it. Supposedly, countless other people have experienced the same thing. I know how stupid that sounds, BUT I still highly recommend reading this for the lessons it may teach you. You’ll learn what you want and deserve, how to be comfortable in your temporary singledom, and practices for self-love. 

Downside: While anyone can (and should!) use this book, it’s mostly written with the assumption that the reader is a straight woman looking for a straight male partner. 

• Mommy issues

Read: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self (Alice Miller)

Not only mommy issues, but daddy issues, and any issue that might have fucked you up as a child and brought you even more foolery as an adult. It’s all in here in this fascinating book that teaches you why you may be the way that you are.

Downsides: Pretty triggering (but in a helpful, productive way).

• Self-hate

Read: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Brené Brown)

Brené Mother Fucking Brown is a self-help queen. This isn’t some Dr. Oz/Goopy Paltrow/Deepak Oprah kind of shit (but not judging if you’re into that because sometimes same). This book is a readable hug. If you need someone to reach out from the pages of your Kindle and tell you that you’re special just the way you are, you can’t count on old B.

Downside: The cover art is kind of a production but whatthefuckever. 

• Understanding your illness

Read: Psych101: A Crash Course in the Science of the Mind (Paul Kleinman)

If you’re curious about the foundations of psychology in general, this is a great read. Also great for therapy skeptics, or your stubborn ass dad who believes in "toughing it out." There’s even a handy list of many mental illnesses so you can find out more about the science behind your (or your loved ones) behaviors.

Downside: It kind of reads like a school textbook but I’m not going to call it a textbook because I literally bought my copy at an Urban Outfitters in Malibu. 

• Believing you can live the life you want

Read: Ask, and It Is Given (Esther and Jerry Hicks)

If you own a crystal and have used the words ‘manifest,’ or ‘universe’ in the past 30 days, you may already know and love this book. If you just read that and threw up on your screen, hear me out. I swear this book isn’t mystical nonsense. Sure, one of the authors, Esther Hicks, let’s her body become a vessel for a spirit named Abraham who in turn delivers messages of wisdom via her mouth, BUT STILL HEAR ME OUT. It’s the concepts in this read that put it on this list. If you boil it down, this is a book for helping you see the world from a glass-half-full perspective. Bonus: there are exercises dedicated to improving your thoughts and moods -great for getting out of hellish mental states. 

Downside: Polarizing in the sense that you’ll either love this or pass it off as cultish pseudoscience. If you’re a skeptic, I recommend just reading this for its ideas and practices and mentally substituting any questionable terminology (*coughs in ‘90s* like ‘universe’ and ‘manifest’) for words that speak to you.  

• Motivation

Read: You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life (Jen Sincero) 

Full disclosure - I didn’t love this book, but I didn’t hate it either. I would compare it to an extremely watered down version of Ask, and It Is Given. I put it on this list because it’s less “out there,” but many of the same ideas are covered. 

Downside: It’s repetitive which makes it seem a little Ted-Talky. 

• Maintaining relationships & asking for what you need

Read: The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) 

HUGE help for understanding the needs of you and your partner. Communication can be off when one or both people in a relationship have a mental illness. Use the info in this book instead of screaming at each other. Chic! 

Downside: Kinda corny but if it helps -who the hell cares? 

What should I add to the list? What should I read next? If you have any ideas for me, comment below or send me a message! xoxo

A Self-Care Kit For Your Next Depressive Episode - PART THREE!

HERE IT IS. The final chunk of the list of things that you can stash away to make your emergency self-care kit. What is a self-care kit? You can find out HERE in PART ONE and then catch up on PART TWO if you haven't read it already. If you have any suggestions for items to add to the list, let me know in the comments or send me a message! xo

Snacks – I know it’s tempting to eat crap to comfort yourself, but if you put some healthy(ish) snacks in your nightstand beforeeeee the depression hits, you’ll thank yourself later.

Advil – Depression hurts. Like, literally gives you headaches, muscle pain, backaches, poop attacks, etc. Basking in bed for a long time can hurt too. Make your stay a pleasant one and invest in a little bedside bottle of your favorite over-the-counter pain-killer.

Reading Material – For when you need a distraction from your damn head.

Phone/Laptop/Tablet & Chargers – Honestly, not having these near me is one of the only things that gets me out of bed, so hey, maybe keep it far away for some motivation to get you up. But if not, keep these by your bed just in case you need to call for help, text a friend, contact your therapist, or just zone out to nail art videos.

Journal & Writing Utensil – Now’s a great time to start that gratitude journal every Instagrammer your therapist and has been talking about. I know it might seem daunting -and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t keep up with it- but sometimes it really can help you see the positives in your life. Remember to write down even the smallest victories (i.e., “I am grateful that I sat up today/got out of bed to pee/let myself cry, etc.).

Coloring Book and Coloring Utensils – Lucky you, adult coloring books are very #OnTrend right now so you can find these anywhere. It’s a pretty great way to chill out because of its meditative qualities. Color away your fears of a potential North Korean nuclear war! 

Scented candle – Because depression doesn’t have to smell like shit-streaked thongs and trash-hardened spring rolls.

Empathy – For yourself. If you can’t do any of these things, even if they’re all by (or on) your bed, don’t beat yourself up. I cannot stress that enough. I have been there. I have picked discharge out of my matted pubes, woven carpets out of my leg hair, and drained the souls of legions of food delivery drivers answering the door (once I found the strength) with my swamp breath. It’s okay. Full disclosure – I don’t always do or have these things myself, so don’t feel bad if you can’t either. Furthermore, even if you need to call someone to drag you out of bed physically (been there too), you are not a failure. I promise this too shall pass – just like all those farts collecting under your blanket.

~From my dirty b-hole to yours~

If there’s anything you keep in your bedside self-care kit that isn’t on this list, send me a message, comment below, or find me on social and let me know. I’d love to add more to this list.  <3

A Self-Care Kit for Your Next Depressive Episode - PART DEUX

HANG ON! If you haven't read part one of this article - you can do so RIGHT HERE! 

Bottles of Water – Not only for taking those pills but for staying hydrated. Also, key to making sure your meds get processed through your system properly AND flushing any crap out of your body that may be contributing to your feeling like shit-ness.

Napkins/Tissues/Wet Wipes – I SEE YOU WIPING THAT BOOGER ON THE SIDE OF YOUR MATTRESS. And I’m not going to let you. Not this time. You’re probably going to masturbate too, right? Let’s be real. Not much is going to give you pleasure right now except that. Am I alone here? Also great for tears, spills, eye boogers, and snot.

Shower Wipes – Not just for campers and sweaty mountain bikers. You too can give yourself a makeshift shower without leaving your bed. Just like a taking a real shower, the idea is you’ll end up feeling more like a refreshed, energized human, and less like a crispy little mattress Cheeto.

Sheet Masks, Lotion, Lip Balm, Deodorant – If I’m correct, depression has you all fucked up, right? Might as well moisturize, tone, and brighten while you lay there. Why the fuck not? Just because everything sucks right now doesn’t mean your gorgeous bod has to suffer too. In other news, you’re basically doing more self-care here than I do when I’m regulated.

Colgate Wisps & Floss – The easiest thing to ignore when you’re deep in the Burroughs of emo town are your increasingly fuzz-laden teeth. I truly believe all my cavities stem from depressive episodes where I ignored my oral health. Breaking: Wisps are a literal Godsend. They’re like wee disposable toothbrushes that don’t require water or toothpaste to work. Sold.

Dry Shampoo and Hair Ties – Because right now you’re as greased up as a KY-dipped Hitachi.

Headphones & Earplugs – Whether or not you need to drown out noise or cry to The Smiths on repeat, you’re going to want these by your side.

Sleep Mask – You know when you’re so weighed down by sadness that all you can do is sleep to forget the pain? Dramatic, but accurate. This is your new best friend, especially if you’re doing the whole ‘sleep the day away’ thing.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 3 COMING SOON! 

[Disclaimer time! If you can't bring yourself to make this kit or complete any of these tasks, don't beat yourself up. You're depressed for fux sake! Sometimes your biggest concern is just surviving the day. I get it. Xo]

A Self-Care Kit For Your Next Depressive Episode

I am 100% over the notion that those with mental illness should be ashamed of how much time they spend in bed when we feel like shit. I’m also over the fact that we feel like we should feel shame over, to the point of hiding, our depressive behaviors (like skipping showers, crying for hours, and wiping snot on our comforters). That being said, today’s a great day to finally get honest about what goes on when we’re bound to ours beds, drowning in drool.

The more we talk about this stuff, the less we’ll feel alone. Not to mention, the more others can learn to understand (and help) us rather than judge. Being in bed with depression, anxiety, or whatever may be keeping you there for an extended period of time can really make you feel like a butt hole full of barnacles. I decided to make this roundup of goods you can put in your nightstand/under your bed/wherever nearby to help you care for yourself as much as possible when you can’t get out of bed. Hope this helps! 

Face Wipes/Makeup Wipes – Basically, the goal for this entire list is to make you feel like you brought your bed into the shower with you, so you don’t physically rot into your mattress. We want to get you feeling as regulated, accomplished, and energized as we can while still allowing you to have a major bed moment. That said, washing my face is something that makes me feel like I’m clean, clear, and under moderate emotional control. But I know damn well I’m not getting out of bed to walk 3 feet (which comes out to roughly 65 eons in depression years) to my sink to do it. Cue the face wipes. If we’re being real, the great ghost of depression is going to trap you here for an undisclosed amount of time, so the word ‘wipes’ are going to be in this roundup like 600 times.

Plastic/Paper Bag –  Set aside an old grocery bag to use as a makeshift trash can. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be bunking with 16 empty White Castle slider cartons within the first hour of bed rest. Save yourself the extremely daunting task of cleaning up your dumpster heap when you finally feel good enough to leave your room.

Pads, Tampons, Baby Wipes – I told you we weren’t getting out of bed for shit. And that includes changing your tampon, pad, or underwear if you’re on your period. You better believe I’ve knowingly slept (awoke and decided to stay) in a puddle of my period blood because I didn’t have the strength to leave my duvet palace. Toxic shock syndrome is very ‘72 and not in the whimsical, Stevie Nicks way. Plus you reallllly don’t have time to deal with that on top of being depressed, do you? Hint: fucking no? Get out your baby trash bag we talked about, give the old coochie x booty combo a wipe down (don’t forget those pube crispies!) and change up your feminine products. Again, it’s all about making you feel as refreshed as possible so that eventually, you do gain some strength, energy, and enough feelings of competence to get your (clean) booty up and out of the sack.

Travel Hairbrush – I have wavy hair that knots at the mention of a pillow. Might as well brush it out if you’ve got the time. Bonus: it’s like getting a free mini scalp massage! Shout out to self-soothing.

Lint Roller & Febreze – If you’re anything like me, your bed is about to be crumb and hair-shed city. Lint roll that shit up. Spritz your blankets. Instant clean-ish bed. Better yet – maybe you have some relaxing scented pillow spray? Squirt, squirt bish.

Extra Undies – I see London, I see France, I see those discharge-coated underpants. But I’m not judging you for it. I’m the Messiah of flipping my underwear inside out and pretending it’s chill. As I said before, we don’t know how long you’re going to be in that bed. Might as well pack for an extended stay.

Fresh Pajamas – Nothing like a pair of clean jams to make you feel spruced as fuck. Plus you might have to sit up or stand to put them on. Pat yourself on the fucking back. I’m not even kidding. This is progress.  

Spare Meds – When you have the emotional capacity of pancake, rolling out of bed to grab your pills is equivalent in joy to snorting Bengay. Even though they could be in my purse, on the floor, two feet away, they’re still TWO UNFATHOMABLE FEET away. Which means I can’t do the contort-my-body-half-way-off-the-bed-and-reach-for-my-purse-with-my-pinky move. Which means I'm not getting up to take them. They might as well be trapped in an undisclosed owl pellet on the floor of a forest. And what happens if you skip your meds? The emotional shit storm rages on until you’re so attached to your bed you might as well file for a domestic partnership.

STAY TUNED FOR PARTS 2 AND 3 COMING SOON! 

[Disclaimer time! If you can't bring yourself to make this kit or complete any of these tasks, don't beat yourself up. You're depressed for fux sake! Sometimes your biggest concern is just surviving the day. I get it. Xo]